Wednesday, December 21, 2011

1 Thessalonians 2:4

There are times when going through a trial the people around you will be supportive, understanding and even tell you things like "do what you need to do for you" "don't worry about what anyone says" Then sadly when that person reaches a new level in their life they seem to forget that supportive attitude and get upset over your lack of enthusiasim for them.

As I grieve the loss of 3 son's and struggle through month after month of infertility I am saddened that one by one the people in my life have slowly dropped out of the group of supportive, understanding loved ones. As each of our siblings and friends have gotten pregnant and moved on to the new level of growing their families, mine and Tyler's sorrow has been put aside. All of a sudden they don't understand anymore why we can't bounce for joy and call to chat about pregnancy. I don't blame others for moving on, celebrating their new additions and rejoicing over newfound joy. What hurts me is the expectations that are put on us to be right there with them.

The fact is for those going through infertility pregnancy announcements just sting. They hurt. Period. We can not control our sorrow anymore then they can control their joy. We need time to absorb the news, time to collect ourselves before we give a heartfelt congrats. For some we may never get beyond anything then that "congrats." Most people going through infertility will tell you that in their hearts they are happy for others who so easily get pregnant but it deepens the sadness for us that can't.

It hurts to sit on the sidelines watching everyone around us living out our dreams while we sit with empty hearts and arms. It hurts to put on a fake smile and go to gatherings and pretend we're ok. It hurts to watch everyone passing around a newborn while feeling your heart burst at missing the angels that left us too soon. It hurts to sit in a crowd all talking about so and so's pregnancy and not be able to join in.

The past few days I have been leaning on 1 Thessalonians 2:4 Our job is not in pleasing people but in pleasing God. He alone knows our hearts.

I must remind myself over and over that I can not please everyone. If i've learned anything during these past 4 years it's that there will always be someone who doesn't approve of how I handle things. If I try to please everyone I only add to my heartache. My purpose is to please God who knows my heart. He alone understands my grief and my joy. As long as I am doing what He wishes me to then i'm doing great. I don't mean that it's ok to be rude to others in our grief. Of course we need to be polite and not harden our hearts but we are allowed to take our time through it.

Wednesday, November 2, 2011

Throw the Poop!

Last night Tyler and I were watching Zookeeper. A comedy staring Kevin James in which he tries very hard to "get" the girl of his dreams. I won't say much more in case you haven't seen it. There's a part during the movie when the animals (who talk) are giving "Griffin" advice on how to get the girl to notice and want him. There's lions, bears, a giraffe and a monkey all giving him animal like ideas. The funniest part being the little monkey who pops up and says "throw the poop at her" to which Tyler and I start laughing hysterically!

The other day while elk hunting, Tyler and I were walking across the top of a mountain looking for signs of elk and hoping we'd run into some. Tyler leans over to look at some elk poop and then pretending he is part Indian, he picks up a piece and gives it a squeeze. The next thing I know he throws it at me!! At first I act horrified that my husband could throw poop at me but then we're both laughing cuz come on that's just funny and I shouldn't have expected anything else from this husband of mine.

After hearing the little monkey's advice on throwing poop at a girl because you like her I now know Tyler was just letting me know he likes me!!

It's moments like these that keep our love strong. Life is far too serious, far too "grown up" and I realize we should be living for the silly, nonsense moments. When we share moments like this we are truly enjoying the gift of each other the way God wants us too.

Thursday, October 27, 2011


When people question me about my kids being with me during the day and not in school I love telling them I homeschool. I like to see their response. I know whats coming usually! They ask "but what do they do for social skills"

Why is socialization so important in this society? And why does it seem most people think kids will only learn proper social skills by being in public school. Yes I feel it's important for children to learn how to interact with others but what better place then at home. My kids are taught manners, phone ettiquete as well as many other social setting mannerisms. My kids learn by watching the adults around them and for me thats enough.

As a parent I know my job is to help shape my children into the people the Lord would have them be. I've been given the job of teaching them right verses wrong, how to communicate, how to love, to care for others and most importantly about the Lord. I believe this job is the most important job for any person. Weather an Aunt, an Uncle or a grandparent as adults with children around us we have been given this role. It is up to us to set good examples for the children around us.

Also since my kids home school I can control what type of influences they get. It's important to us to teach our boys about choosing the right kinds of friends. Friends who share the same morals and beliefs.

It's rewarding for me as mom to get to be the one who teaches my children everyday. I'm thankful they are with me every day and I get to control how they socialize. I'm most thankful the Lord as given me the role of home schooling mom. There's no place i'd rather be!

Friday, October 21, 2011

What I learned about Power Cords!

I was sitting here this morning staring at a blank post box wondering why won't the words just come to me. So many things have gone on in my life that I should have something to write about. Nothing came so I left the blank box and went on with my day hoping something would pop into my head later.

If you know God, you also know He will bring what is needed at just the right time. :)

I opened my email and there was my Daily Double Portion, a daily email of encouragement while dealing with the struggles of infertility. I admit i'm not great at reading them every time they come. I don't take the time to stop and give a few minutes to hear some encouragement even if I need it.

Todays encouragement focused on a puppy the writer had brought home. This cute new addition to her home filled her with joy and gave her someone to love and care for. This puppy eventually developed a love for chewing and mostly loved to chew power cords. Power cords that were plugged in were her favorite choice. The writer goes on to talk about the cord connecting to her computer being chewed through and eventually her getting messages popping up on her screen telling her "your power is low, please reconnect your power cord in order to stay connected" The moral of the story ended up being that we should reconnect our power to the One who supplies us with that power. We all know when our power is running low and we should stop and reconnect.

Wow this hit home! For days now I have felt sad, frustrated, impatient and have no motivation. As I look back I see where God was trying to tell me through friends statuses on facebook, my daily scripture I receive on my phone and various other places that I needed to stop and reconnect. I had gotten so good over the summer at taking time every afternoon to just be in His word, to pray and to just feel His presence, but I have lacked greatly since. With the boys starting school, keeping house, trying to cook healthy meals and all the other things that come up and I have sadly unplugged my power cord. He does not like this and misses me. He shows it by allowing me to get frustrated and sad until I can't take it anymore and then reminds me gently that I can feel better by just coming back to Him and reconnecting my power cord!

Thursday, October 20, 2011

Here We Go Again!

We are about to head down the "two week increment" road again! Most (well those on the infertility road) know that when trying to get pregnant we live our lives in 2 week increments.

Week one our very unwelcome friend Aunt Flow shows up for an unwanted visit. We let her know how unwelcome she is by letting our anger show, crying our hearts out, eating whatever sweet or carb filled snack we desire, until finally we accept her rude interruption on our life and start looking forward to the next cycle. This process usually takes 3 -4 days depending on what our methods of trying for the next cycle are. During week one if there will be fertility meds used they are started this week. (for most)

Week 2 with fertility meds done (much to the delight of our loving supportive husbands) we head in to the "trying part" If taking meds the monthly follicle check is scheduled and we wait in prayer and anticipation to see what will pop up on the ultrasound machine! (come on ovaries) Yes we pray for our ovaries. If all goes according to plan then a wonderful trigger shot is given in the hip and we are sent home with careful instructions for our iui the next day!

Thus begins week 3! If getting an iui then we find ourselves back at the doctors office with a book in hand and wait. Waiting and IF go hand in hand. IFer's are waiting pros! After the 30 min wait we head to the iui room stare at the ceiling and try to actually hear what the doctor is saying. Did he just ask me ?????? Then comes the fun fun part where they lift the table until your head is almost on the floor and you are asked to not move, just read a book and they'll come get you in a little while. After they come get you, you are allowed to go home with instructions to not do such and such and please do such and such. The rest of week three usually goes by without too much stress but the 2 week waiting part just started!

Week 4 is a bundle of emotions hand delivered to our hearts. We go from what if to what if not. We analyze every twinge, every cramp. We wonder is it too early to test. The the day comes when we know its ok to test but hey maybe we should wait another day or two or maybe just not test at all and see if Aunt Flow shows up. If they are like me and have to get blood work done as soon as possible and start progestrone supplements then the fear of "I have to know, I have no choice. if there is a baby then I have to protect it" sets in. Some will test and get the dfreadful big fat negative but spend the rest of waiting for af to show thinking "well it's not over until af gets here" Some will retest every day, praying they just tested too soon and some will be right. Some thankfully will see their awaited 2 lines and cry with joy and relief and run to show their husbands.

If the big fat negative was the one to stick then the cycle starts again.

I must mention that not all fertility treatments go this way. Every couple faces different paths and options each month. This post is based off my past experiences. Mostly me trying to lighten my mood as we head once again into the unknown of TTC. We've had 5 months now of waiting, being on hold, more medical issues and now we are finally here again. I know I am ready to begin this journey again (not that I have really left) and see where God will take us this time. I pray for a blessing, one that will come home in our arms and not our hearts. BUT I know all too well that a pregnancy does not equal baby so I will try to begin this journey with a mind on Him and not what if. I will try my hardest to focus on His plan, His love and to accept what comes each day.

I am human and will fail at times, I may cry but I will laugh also! Most important I will try to learn from whatever He brings.

Saturday, October 15, 2011

October 15th

Today is national pregnancy and infant loss remembrance day! Today we will be remembering all the precious angels gone before us.

Hayden * Garrett* Quirt*

Always Remembered Forever Loved

Saturday, October 8, 2011

My precious Angels!

I decided to share my angels sweet faces! I added them to my blog this morning in honor of pregnancy and infant loss awareness. Also because I want to share them. They were here and are loved so very much!

Say Their Names :: For Pregnancy & Infant Loss Awareness Day

Say Their Names :: For Pregnancy & Infant Loss Awareness Day

In honor of our babies gone to soon. Click the link above to join!

Sunday, October 2, 2011

A moment of healing

I have a 19 month old nephew. He was born just a couple months after my twins should have been born. After losing Quirt and other circumstances I have a very hard time being around him. Of course he lives on the same ranch I do so he is around a lot. Over the summer I have stayed in my house more then usual as to avoid him. Seeing him has always been a reminder of my twins and what I am missing and after losing Quirt it was too much for my heart to take in.

A few days ago he was at my mother in law's house. I had no idea he was there. I walked in to speak with Tyler. The minute I heard him I stiffened up and got very uncomfortable.

Then something happened that I still don't totally understand other then God decided He had enough of my stubbornness. Before I knew what was happening I went over to my nephew, held out my arms and asked him if he wanted to go outside and see the pig's. The next thing I knew I was standing outside sobbing. I had no idea why this happened and now what was I suppose to do?

This poor little boy was sitting on my hip watching this woman he barely knew sobbing so hard she couldn't hardly breathe. I had no idea what to do. Then he reached his hand up to my face and patted me on the cheek and then pointed to the pigs all while repeating "pig" over and over.

Ok then. One step at a time. I walked over to the pig's and held him up on the fence and while he laughed and had fun watching them I stood there crying and wondering what I had gotten into or rather what had God gotten me into.

Tyler came out to see if I was ok and asked if he needed to take our nephew for me. Thats when it hit me. This little boy isn't at fault for my loss. It's not his fault I am a grieving mother. He deserves my attention too. WHEN I am able to give it. So for that afternoon I sucked in my tears and sorrow (as much as possible anyway) and I showed him the pigs, I showed him the horses and calves. I took him for a walk and together we played in a distillers pile throwing it on each other and laughing. For a few hours I gave him what I could. I made him smile and I made him laugh. It hurt and it was hard. I even told Tyler at one point while I was chasing after him that if our twins were there i'd be running this way and he'd be running the other! For a few hours I put aside my sorrow and I gave this little boy all I could of me and my reward.....when I dropped him back off at grandma's I got a bunch of kisses and a hug. He smiled big at me as I walked away. It really did my heart good. I also learned my God is a pushy fella!

When I got home I cried. I cried my heart out, but my tears weren't just for my sorrow, my loss and my hurting heart they were also tears of healing. God knew I needed to start somewhere and knowing how stubborn I am He took over. My afternoon with my nephew will always be a wonderful memory on my road of healing.


October is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness month.

On top of remembering our angels and supporting others who are going through losses, October is the month all 3 of our son's were due.

Our Hayden and Garrett would be turning 2 on the 6th. It's hard not to imagine what that would be like. What kind of party I would be planning. OHHHH my house would be in chaos but I would love every single minute of it!!

Our Quirt was due the last week of October. I went from planning my rainbow baby to planning his funeral. I am now trying to survive the month he was due to be in my arms. I am now facing the reality of being around a marker baby. I know they say God only gives you what you can handle but my heart is pretty full right now and i'm barely hanging by a thread.

I like being an advocate for pregnancy and infant loss awareness. The world needs to be more supportive to the parents of loss. They need to learn what to say, what not to say and most importantly that it's OK to grieve the loss of a child no matter how long they were with us!

Wednesday, September 28, 2011

A great blog to check out!

My friend Beth has an awesome blog filled with all kinds of cool things from cooking to crafting! For her two year anniversary she is having a give away! If you would like to enter just follow this link to her blog and read all about it. While your there stay awhile, get comfortable and prepare to get sucked into all the cool things she blogs about. I promise you will LOVE following her spunky, spirited attitude!

Thursday, August 25, 2011

Making Steps

Last Night Tyler's family was all over at our end of the ranch, roping and working with horses. I choose these moments to do something for me. I was in working on a project and enjoying some quiet time. Until I made the mistake of looking out the window. I see my husband running calves up into the chutes and smile, until he turns around and I notice his 17 month old nephew is in his arms. I felt like someone stabbed me in the heart. That's silly and yes selfish of me. Tyler should enjoy his nephew all he wants right. I kept thinking "why does this have to bother me?" It pains me to see him enjoying something I can''t seem to give him. I want so badly to place another baby in his arms that my heart breaks to see him with someone else's baby. I know this is selfish but it's also part of grieving not just for our babies gone too soon but also for the innocence we've lost on this path. 4 years ago seeing Tyler with a baby wouldn't have bothered me a bit.

When Tyler got home I told him about my feelings. His was hard on him too! He says he doesn't want to ruin a relationship with his nephew so he stuffs his feelings aside and tries to focus on the fun part. Then it hits me.....does one person out there even think about that? Does anyone even realize that Tyler took this huge step that was hurting him but he did it anyway? I'm guessing probably not which means that when I make those small efforts they too go unnoticed.

I recently walked into my in laws home and saw our nephew waking up from a nap and I had this incredible desire to pick him up, so I did. I held him for about 1 min and the whole time I felt ok. This was such a huge step for me but then my brother in law took him. He probably needed changed and my timing was probably wrong but still I made that step and I survived and it probably went unnoticed. Did my brother in law even realize what he had just witnessed?

If no one understands these things then how will it ever get easier to take those steps.

If someone who has lost a child picks up a baby or plays with a toddler they are taking a huge step in the grieving process. It breaks their heart to even touch another baby but they are doing it. They are stuffing their hurting hearts aside to try and move towards a new path. This is one more thing that loss has brought to my heart.

I've learned that in this world no matter what it is, if a person has not personally been through it then they just don't get it. I find this sad. Tyler and I had a long talk about it and what we learned is that we ourselves can try and change. We can become more sensitive to others. We can take what we have learned through loss and trials and pay the kindness forward. I pray that God keeps the eyes of my heart open to others struggles so I do think of all the little things and become more sensitive and kind to all!

Saturday, August 13, 2011

My Life In Pills

I had to laugh when I reread my last post. After my birth control pill remark I said "never an option for us" I should be more careful what I say! ;)

After my last post things went downhill again! I started bleeding again and was told my hormones were out of wack and the only way to regulate them would be to start birth control pills. My response "No, there has to be another option" I've waited long enough to be ttc again and so has Tyler. Unfortunately my other option was to wait it out and hope my hormones would start behaving on their own which could take months. I told the nurse that i would need to speak with Tyler about it and get back to them.

Of course Tyler is the logical always think rational one. (it can get annoying but he's usually right) (don't tell him I said that) He thought if I could be on the birth control pills for 2 or 3 cycles and get things regulated quicker that way then we should go for it. My jaw dropped. I had spent the entire morning sobbing, angry and ready for a way different reaction from this man. I mean come on babe it's BIRTH CONTROL!!! The exact opposite of what we've been working on for 3 1/2 years!

OK so maybe I was being a bit dramatic but it felt like a huge step backwards. I couldn't wrap my head around it. Finally after chatting with a friend who said I should look at it as a fertility treatment and not prevention I calmed down. I realized it was a step backwards but it was only temporary. My wonderful Dr called us back saying just that too! It would be better in the long run to just take the unwanted pills so that we could get back to the "real" treatments quicker.

It's been a week on the pills and so far I feel good which is a huge blessing since in the past birth control of any kind made me sick. I felt blessed that my Dr picked a kind of pill that said in big bold letters on the insert USED TO REGULATE MENSTRUAL CYCLES first before the also can be used to prevent pregnancy. So for 56 days I have to take a very much unwanted pill but I am getting through it. With one week behind me I know I can make this time go faster and use it for a time to grow in God's word and also get some much needed projects done. With Tyler's love, support and encouragement and the strength of the Lord I will soon be looking back at this time as just another step on this path.

I named this post my life in pills so your probably thinking well one pill a day isn't a lot. I'm not done yet! I also take 3 metformin pills a day. My life revolves around these pills. There are rules I must follow in order to stay sane and feeling good while taking these. Metformin controls my insulin levels which in turn controls my blood sugar levels (I think I said that right) So my daily pill rules go as such:
1) always take met with each meal
2) never skip a pill
3) always take pill on time or dizziness and crashing ac cures
4) eat a small snack every 2-3 hours or fainting and nausea ac cures

So my life really does revolve around metformin!

Every night I also take a prescription prenatal. I'm glad I chose to take this pill at night. This not so little pill helps keep my body healthy and ready to sustain a pregnancy. So after a long day of taking pills to control insulin and regulate hormones this pill is a reminder of why I take the other pills. I may get annoyed and angry with the birth control pill and I may get tired of met taking over my life but when I get to my neevo I am reminded that I am working towards my dream of having another baby, of growing my family, of fulfilling Tyler's much wanted dream of a pack of boys chasing after him. Neevo keeps my thoughts in perspective and gives me hope that one day I will be taking it not just for me but to provide extra nutrition for a growing person in my womb and that makes it all worthwhile!

Thursday, July 28, 2011

Another diagnosis

I went to the dr on Monday. The ultrasound showed I have Anendomyosis. SOOOOO I moved into study mode!

Anendomyosis is the cousin to endometriosis. It is caused by menstral flow leaking into the muscle of the uterus where it does not belong. The blood dries and stays in there. When my period starts it creates a lot of pain.

Anendomyosis should not effect our ability to try to concieve. It cannot be cured except by taking birth control pills (never an option for us) or by having a hestorectomy (absolutely not). I was informed that it is mild right now and shouldn't be anything to worry about. I have meds for the pain when I do have a period.

SO with no worries I was told to count my last cycle as a cycle and I am very happy to only have one more cycle to wait through!!!

Praise God it wasn't something worse!

Thursday, July 21, 2011

Dear Lord

I woke up this morning with an incredible ache in my heart and in my arms from missing my babies. I only got to hold them one time. I never got to hold their snuggling warm infant bodies, their wiggly toddler bodies, their quick turn around and come back for one more mama hug and kiss before taking off on a bike hug. So i'm asking You today Lord, when You hug them, please squeeze them extra for me. Kiss their cheeks and please leave an impression of my mother's love on their hearts!

Written for Hayden, Garrett and Quirt. How I miss you so much every day.

A setback

Well this road can't always be easy. After being told to wait through 2 cycles and then I get my wonderful fertility drug I started cycle one on June 27th. AND it wouldn't end and came with A LOT of pain. I'm usually not one to take pain meds. I deal with what comes and wait it out. UM not this time. I was in tears as I called the dr office wondering what was going on with me. Not great news. the excess bleeding coupled with pain could mean something was left in there after my d&c I had to remove the placenta after delivering Quirt. Most people don't know that before 22 weeks gestation the uterus doesn't trigger the brain to produce the hormone that tells the placenta to detach. To make matters worse for me I have very low progestrone and was on supplement pills and injections during my pregnancy thus making my placenta even harder to get out. I had to have a d&c just a few minutes after delivery. This procedure left me sore and hurting for days. If there is something left in there it could cause me to get an infection. Definately not what I wanted to hear. If there is something wrong then our schedule for trying gets pushed back. (haven't we waited long enough) :( On a happier note there could be nothing wrong with me and it's just a reaction my body is having to healing and starting cycles again. Some days this journey is just too hard. It's the hardest days I know I must strive even harder to see God. To focus on His everlasting promises............

Philipians 4:13 I can do everything through Him who gives me strength!

He will bring me through this! I have an appt Monday for an ultrasound and then will be told where to go from there. I'm praying that all is well within me and Tyler and I can look forward to starting fertility treatments once again soon. While thats a scary place to be too I will trust my Lord and do what He sees fit for us.

Surviving the two week wait!

I'm copying this poem from a friend. It's funny and yet speaks the truth of what those who are trying to get pregnant go through.

Oh I must survive the "2 week wait"
to see what will be, what is our fate
It should not be bad, i'll keep busy lots
at least it's better then all those darn shots

Day 1 i'll go for a nice calming walk
and with my dh try not to talk
about kids and plans and names and such
and try not to get our hopes up too much

day 2 ahh for today, i'll do some nice light cleaning
and try not to think and keep myself from seeing
everyone around me with their cute babies
and try to stop the incessant 'maybe's'

day 3 with the in laws i'll dine
who won't know whats up, think everything is fine
"no thank you, i'll pass, I won't have the wine"
stop looking at me mother in law! No it's not a sign

day 4 i'll look in my closet again
maybe a quick clean then onto the den
you know a crib would look great over there
wait! stop thinking about that, it's just isn't fair

day 5 good grief will this day ever end
where is my phone, can I call a friend
and was that a twinge or just anticipation
or am i one of those women who can feel implantation

day 6 i'm fine, i'm not going mad
but I keep looking at my husband trying to see a dad
I have to keep busy, keep my mind occupied
on trivial things, not whats happening inside

day 7 oh joy, oh bliss, we are half way there
no, i'm not absessing, I haven't a care
the first week flew by, I could hardly tell
and if you believe that i have a bridge I can sell

day 8 wait, are my breasts sore tonight
or, did I just wear my new bra too tight
am I feeling sick, nausea in the morning
or was that expiration date actually a good warning

day 9 day 9 everything is fine
it's not that i'm edgy I SAID I WAS FINE
sorry, I did not mean to snap, but my temper is quick
is tomorrow too early to pee on a stick

day 10 for one day i'd just like to forget
not go crazy with days my mind to reset
a good friend told me "remember not to dwell"
oh give me a break, this two weeks ummm "aint swell"

day 11 well what to do, maybe i'll clean again
oops my closet is empty and I blew up the den
ok i'll watch tv to take my mind off the maybe's
why does every station only play she's having a baby

day 12 good grief I don't know how i'll cope
I want to be optimistic, to have some hope
but i'm afraid of disappointment, of again this not being the time
if someone could make days fly by i'd give my last dime

day 13 is supposed to be lucky, they say
personally I wish it would just go away
I am done with watching days crawl by
I hate all this waiting, too long have we tried

day 14 wait, what? It's finally here?
today we find out if a baby is near?
ummm wait, now I don't know if I really want the real truth
I kinda like day-dreaming, but betas that proof

so now it's off to the bathroom I go
so far so good, I don't see Aunt Flow
I open the package, pee and it will tell our fate
oh dear, now how do I survive this two minute wait!

Wednesday, July 20, 2011

Thing's i'm unprepared for

Wow I can't believe a whole month has gone by!! During the past month I have run into a lot of things that I was unprepared for. It makes me wonder if I shouldn't write all these things down so in the future I can be fully prepared on how i'm going to handle them.

First was my follow up appt which brought good news. (no need to prepare for that) I was told to wait through 2 cycles and then we could start trying again. Given my history my dr will start us on fertility treatments right away!! VERY GOOD NEWS!! Now the waiting through 2 cycles......thats the tough part. As those struggling through infertility know each month seems to take forever and at times it's all you can do to get through each day. Thankfully my Tyler understands this and helps me keep as busy as possible.

Last week we had fair week. Bailee shows pigs every year and we have to spend the entire week at the fairgrounds. It's too far to drive home every day. I was unprepared for all the people I would run into that didn't know about our recent loss. Most knew I was pregnant and so I had to explain over and over why I wasn't anymore. It's hard enough going through a loss without having to relive it over and over. I had thought the word would have spread more but I was wrong thus teaching me how to handle each encounter. One thing i've learned is it's ok to cry in front of people if I feel like it. I don't intend to make them uncomfortable but hey they asked right. I'm grateful to have survived fair week and even more to be home! ;)

Another thing i've come across that caught me totally off guard is strangers knowing my story. It doesn't bother me if I can be an encouragement and witness to my faith. BUT really do strangers need to say anything??? Where has common curtesy gone? I was calling parents of 4H kids yesterday to schedule them for a fundraising event. Not something I really wanted to do in the first place but there was no way out of it. One lady that picked up the phone actually blurted out at me "Oh your the one with all the losses! What a terrible thing that happened to you. How do you hold up every day?" Seriously my jaw dropped and I almost hung up the phone!! Sometimes it's better to just not say anything at all people! So after doing what I had to I then went and sat next to Tyler who was just as surprised as I was then mad that I had to encounter such a person. This phone call was early in the morning and caused me to 1) cry on and off for most of my morning and 2) put me in a state of panic when calling the rest of the kids.

Starting a new day today I realize I need to be more prepared for my own sake when coming across these situations. I must have responses waiting in the back of my mind. Just one more thing infertility puts in our path to conquer. With the strength of the Lord I can conquer at least this part of infertility.

Even youths grow tired and weary and young men stumble and fall; but those that hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint. Isaiah 40:30-31

Monday, June 20, 2011

Getting Through

When Tyler and I were at the hospital waiting for our son to be born we talked about how we were going to get through another loss. We agreed to always look for the positive. Some days this is the hardest thing to do. Every night before I fall asleep I thank God for my husband, Bailee and Trace. I thank Him for a beautiful home away from city life. I thank Him for all the little blessings surrounding me daily. I do the same thing every morning. It helps to thank Him in all things even when it's hard to find even the smallest of things.

I do have days though where I just want to scream and hit something. This is the human part of me coming out. I've realized that my goal is to not let those days grab a hold and take lead. I've learned to cry when I need to, laugh when I feel like it and if I do feel like hitting something, well thats what the punching bag in the garage is for.

Grief is a learning process no matter how many times you've gone through it. Each time is different and learning to survive it becomes a daily accomplishment.

I was watching Grey's Anatomy the other night and this guy who lost his wife in a car accident said it best "before the accident, I had all these plans, but then all my plans disappeared and now i'm just trying to get through each day" This is exactly how I feel. From the time I get up until I go to bed i'm just trying to get through that day. I try to be a good wife and mom. I try to keep up with all the things that need done. I try to keep enjoying my hobbies. I do all the little things that people expect me to do. Have I learned to get through my grief? I guess i'd have to say I have learned to live with it. Grief never fully goes away. I know that I will morn the loss of my children every day until I am with them again. BUT I have also learned that it's ok for me to smile and laugh and enjoy my time here too!

Tuesday, June 14, 2011

Exodus 23:20

"see, I am sending an angel ahead of you to guard you along the way and to bring you to the place I have prepared for you"

Wow! I first saw this scripture on a piece of vellum I had ordered to make a memory album for our son. I was blown away by it. God was talking about an angel to guard the Isrealites along their way. Could it be too, that He is using our little angels to guard us and to help prepare a place for us. Tyler and I take great comfort in this scripture knowing God chose our sons for His purpose, to create something wonderful and just maybe to help prepare a place for us.

I can smile when I think of my 3 little boys running through fields in heaven. Maybe our sweet dog Tuff is running with them right at their heels excited to have a part of us with him. Maybe our horses are with them too. Do our boys feel the connection from them to us? I pray hard that it is that way. I pray when they sit in Jesus lap the He tells them all about us and they are excited and can't wait to meet us! It's an amazing feeling to know that a part of me is already in heaven!

I miss them so very much and at times my arms ache to hold them, but God says I will see them again and He has filled me with the comfort of knowing right where they in the arms of Jesus!

Monday, June 13, 2011

A little About Me

I LOVE being a mom! After becoming a mom I realized that it was the single most important purpose God had given me. I had always taken care of kids since I was 11. I took child development classes and ran a day care before marrying Tyler. I love kids and love teaching them! Going through infertility has made me even more grateful for the opportunity to be a mom and even more to get to be with them everyday. It's been so rewarding watching them learn from me and see them growing in the Lord.

Next to being a mom, I love being a wife! Through marriage God has taught me the importance of compromise and patience. Also that love is a choice and sometimes we have to love another person even when we don't feel like it. Taking care of Tyler is very important to me. He works hard to provide for his family and so I try in return to do all I can for him at home. I love being his best friend and spending as much time as I can with him. I love going to work with him and seeing what he does everyday. I enjoy watching him rope and play with our boys. One of my favorite times of the day is when we climb into bed and watch a movie or just talk! I can talk to him about anything.

Most of my days are spent taking care of my guys and managing our home. Besides being mom and wife I also like to scrapbook, quilt, hunt arrowheads and take pictures. I love all animals and spend a lot of time playing with our dogs, petting horses and when ever possible feeding a bum calf! I also have a kitty I raised from birth that gets a lot of my attention!

I love the Lord and spend time learning about Him and just being in His word. I'm thankful and amazed to be a daughter of the King of Kings! I try my hardest to gloryify Him in all I do, although I know I fail at times. I look forward to my eternal home and especially to see my sons gone before me.

Here's Trace!

Trace is the ball of energy in our family always keeping us on our toes. He has definately taught us about love with patience! He is determined to be just like his papa (Tyler) always acting just like him and dressing just like him. Trace loves tractors and video games. He would love to find a way to be "grounded" from schoolwork. He has a sweet, loving charm that can work its way into even the most grumpiest heart! He spends his days "getting through school" followed by playing with toys, following Bailee around, trying to go with papa as much as he can, going with grandpa almost daily and finding anyway he can to earn an hour of video game time! This year for the first time he is raising 2 of his own pigs. They are feeder pigs and not for 4H but have been a great way to get him ready for 4H as well as teaching him responsibility!

Tyler and I are so thankful for Trace and enjoy watching him discover new things everyday! We can't wait to see where God will lead Him! We also can't wait to hear and see each new thing he comes up with every day!

Introducing Bailee! (a.k.a Cooper)

Bailee is our oldest! He his a typical 10 year old with a heart of gold. I couldn't be more proud to be his mom! Bailee spends his days finishing school as fast as he can so he can ride his dirt bike. He also enjoy's video games, building with legos and watching movies. He is awesome with his little brother always helping him out and teaching him things. He has a dog named Gator that is usually right at his heels. During the winter Bailee can be found with Grandpa Haney helping feed. They take turns driving or kicking off hay. Every year in April Bailee gets his 4H pigs to raise. He has always loved his pigs like any pet and taken very good care of them, spending time petting them and scratching their backs.

Bailee is also known as Cooper! He decided he wanted to change his name and talked everyone into calling him Cooper. The whole family and close friends of the family refer to him as Cooper. It can get confusing when new people come around!

Tyler and I are so thankful for Bailee and look forward to seeing the man he is becoming with the direction of the Lord.

About My Husband

Tyler is my very best friend! We met in 9th grade science class. We sat across from each other the entire year and we flirted but never dated. I didn't see Tyler again for 8 years and ran into him while out with some friends in Oct of 2002. We've been together ever since. Tyler is a rancher. He was raised on a ranch that he has lived on his whole life. When he isn't working cattle and taking care of the many things that always need to done on a ranch, he enjoys playing with our 2 boy's, watching movies with me, hunting and calf roping.

I always thought we had a strong marriage but over the course of losing 3 sons and struggling through infertility, I have seen our marriage grow in ways I never dreamed possible. I know without a doubt we were meant to be together and I am so very thankful to be walking this journey with Tyler. He has been strength for our family, a wonderful spiritual leader, a loving and thoughtful husband and the best father our boys could ever ask for.

The Reason for the Title

For God so loved the world that He gave His only Son, that whoever believes in Him shall not parish but have eternal life! John 3:16

We believe that our time here on earth is temporary. God promises us that when we believe in Him and accept the gift of His salvation we will have a home in heaven.

I believe that while here on earth it is our time of learning about our Savior and how to live our life for Him. Learning to trust Him and allow Him to guide me, to shape me into the woman He has planned for me to be. He knew my every day long before I was even created. I believe the trials I have gone through over my life all have a purpose and that by allowing Him to use these trials I will become the woman He see's me to be.

Over the past 3 years my husband and I have suffered from secondary infertility, the loss of twin sons, a diagnosis of pcos and the loss of another son. While I thought I had gone through trials before the ones played out over the past 3 years have been the hardest and most testing.

Our journey through these trials have tested our faith on many levels. My wonderful husband has sustained his faith well through all levels. I however have had mine broken down, shattered and slowly built back up. I have been taken down to the darkest, deepest pit and then lifted back up again. My prayer is that God will use me and my trials to support and encourge other women who find themselves on this journey of infertility and loss. To the "world" infertility and loss are still taboo subjects. Not many understand the hurt that comes along with it. I pray God will use me as an example to others as they learn how to get through this difficult trial as well as helping those that walk with them learn how to help their loved ones.

I hope you enjoy my posts, pictures and learning about our family as you follow us on our journey here!