Last Night Tyler's family was all over at our end of the ranch, roping and working with horses. I choose these moments to do something for me. I was in working on a project and enjoying some quiet time. Until I made the mistake of looking out the window. I see my husband running calves up into the chutes and smile, until he turns around and I notice his 17 month old nephew is in his arms. I felt like someone stabbed me in the heart. That's silly and yes selfish of me. Tyler should enjoy his nephew all he wants right. I kept thinking "why does this have to bother me?" It pains me to see him enjoying something I can''t seem to give him. I want so badly to place another baby in his arms that my heart breaks to see him with someone else's baby. I know this is selfish but it's also part of grieving not just for our babies gone too soon but also for the innocence we've lost on this path. 4 years ago seeing Tyler with a baby wouldn't have bothered me a bit.
When Tyler got home I told him about my feelings. His answer.......it was hard on him too! He says he doesn't want to ruin a relationship with his nephew so he stuffs his feelings aside and tries to focus on the fun part. Then it hits me.....does one person out there even think about that? Does anyone even realize that Tyler took this huge step that was hurting him but he did it anyway? I'm guessing probably not which means that when I make those small efforts they too go unnoticed.
I recently walked into my in laws home and saw our nephew waking up from a nap and I had this incredible desire to pick him up, so I did. I held him for about 1 min and the whole time I felt ok. This was such a huge step for me but then my brother in law took him. He probably needed changed and my timing was probably wrong but still I made that step and I survived and it probably went unnoticed. Did my brother in law even realize what he had just witnessed?
If no one understands these things then how will it ever get easier to take those steps.
If someone who has lost a child picks up a baby or plays with a toddler they are taking a huge step in the grieving process. It breaks their heart to even touch another baby but they are doing it. They are stuffing their hurting hearts aside to try and move towards a new path. This is one more thing that loss has brought to my heart.
I've learned that in this world no matter what it is, if a person has not personally been through it then they just don't get it. I find this sad. Tyler and I had a long talk about it and what we learned is that we ourselves can try and change. We can become more sensitive to others. We can take what we have learned through loss and trials and pay the kindness forward. I pray that God keeps the eyes of my heart open to others struggles so I do think of all the little things and become more sensitive and kind to all!