Monday, June 20, 2011

Getting Through

When Tyler and I were at the hospital waiting for our son to be born we talked about how we were going to get through another loss. We agreed to always look for the positive. Some days this is the hardest thing to do. Every night before I fall asleep I thank God for my husband, Bailee and Trace. I thank Him for a beautiful home away from city life. I thank Him for all the little blessings surrounding me daily. I do the same thing every morning. It helps to thank Him in all things even when it's hard to find even the smallest of things.

I do have days though where I just want to scream and hit something. This is the human part of me coming out. I've realized that my goal is to not let those days grab a hold and take lead. I've learned to cry when I need to, laugh when I feel like it and if I do feel like hitting something, well thats what the punching bag in the garage is for.

Grief is a learning process no matter how many times you've gone through it. Each time is different and learning to survive it becomes a daily accomplishment.

I was watching Grey's Anatomy the other night and this guy who lost his wife in a car accident said it best "before the accident, I had all these plans, but then all my plans disappeared and now i'm just trying to get through each day" This is exactly how I feel. From the time I get up until I go to bed i'm just trying to get through that day. I try to be a good wife and mom. I try to keep up with all the things that need done. I try to keep enjoying my hobbies. I do all the little things that people expect me to do. Have I learned to get through my grief? I guess i'd have to say I have learned to live with it. Grief never fully goes away. I know that I will morn the loss of my children every day until I am with them again. BUT I have also learned that it's ok for me to smile and laugh and enjoy my time here too!

Tuesday, June 14, 2011

Exodus 23:20

"see, I am sending an angel ahead of you to guard you along the way and to bring you to the place I have prepared for you"

Wow! I first saw this scripture on a piece of vellum I had ordered to make a memory album for our son. I was blown away by it. God was talking about an angel to guard the Isrealites along their way. Could it be too, that He is using our little angels to guard us and to help prepare a place for us. Tyler and I take great comfort in this scripture knowing God chose our sons for His purpose, to create something wonderful and just maybe to help prepare a place for us.

I can smile when I think of my 3 little boys running through fields in heaven. Maybe our sweet dog Tuff is running with them right at their heels excited to have a part of us with him. Maybe our horses are with them too. Do our boys feel the connection from them to us? I pray hard that it is that way. I pray when they sit in Jesus lap the He tells them all about us and they are excited and can't wait to meet us! It's an amazing feeling to know that a part of me is already in heaven!

I miss them so very much and at times my arms ache to hold them, but God says I will see them again and He has filled me with the comfort of knowing right where they in the arms of Jesus!

Monday, June 13, 2011

A little About Me

I LOVE being a mom! After becoming a mom I realized that it was the single most important purpose God had given me. I had always taken care of kids since I was 11. I took child development classes and ran a day care before marrying Tyler. I love kids and love teaching them! Going through infertility has made me even more grateful for the opportunity to be a mom and even more to get to be with them everyday. It's been so rewarding watching them learn from me and see them growing in the Lord.

Next to being a mom, I love being a wife! Through marriage God has taught me the importance of compromise and patience. Also that love is a choice and sometimes we have to love another person even when we don't feel like it. Taking care of Tyler is very important to me. He works hard to provide for his family and so I try in return to do all I can for him at home. I love being his best friend and spending as much time as I can with him. I love going to work with him and seeing what he does everyday. I enjoy watching him rope and play with our boys. One of my favorite times of the day is when we climb into bed and watch a movie or just talk! I can talk to him about anything.

Most of my days are spent taking care of my guys and managing our home. Besides being mom and wife I also like to scrapbook, quilt, hunt arrowheads and take pictures. I love all animals and spend a lot of time playing with our dogs, petting horses and when ever possible feeding a bum calf! I also have a kitty I raised from birth that gets a lot of my attention!

I love the Lord and spend time learning about Him and just being in His word. I'm thankful and amazed to be a daughter of the King of Kings! I try my hardest to gloryify Him in all I do, although I know I fail at times. I look forward to my eternal home and especially to see my sons gone before me.

Here's Trace!

Trace is the ball of energy in our family always keeping us on our toes. He has definately taught us about love with patience! He is determined to be just like his papa (Tyler) always acting just like him and dressing just like him. Trace loves tractors and video games. He would love to find a way to be "grounded" from schoolwork. He has a sweet, loving charm that can work its way into even the most grumpiest heart! He spends his days "getting through school" followed by playing with toys, following Bailee around, trying to go with papa as much as he can, going with grandpa almost daily and finding anyway he can to earn an hour of video game time! This year for the first time he is raising 2 of his own pigs. They are feeder pigs and not for 4H but have been a great way to get him ready for 4H as well as teaching him responsibility!

Tyler and I are so thankful for Trace and enjoy watching him discover new things everyday! We can't wait to see where God will lead Him! We also can't wait to hear and see each new thing he comes up with every day!

Introducing Bailee! (a.k.a Cooper)

Bailee is our oldest! He his a typical 10 year old with a heart of gold. I couldn't be more proud to be his mom! Bailee spends his days finishing school as fast as he can so he can ride his dirt bike. He also enjoy's video games, building with legos and watching movies. He is awesome with his little brother always helping him out and teaching him things. He has a dog named Gator that is usually right at his heels. During the winter Bailee can be found with Grandpa Haney helping feed. They take turns driving or kicking off hay. Every year in April Bailee gets his 4H pigs to raise. He has always loved his pigs like any pet and taken very good care of them, spending time petting them and scratching their backs.

Bailee is also known as Cooper! He decided he wanted to change his name and talked everyone into calling him Cooper. The whole family and close friends of the family refer to him as Cooper. It can get confusing when new people come around!

Tyler and I are so thankful for Bailee and look forward to seeing the man he is becoming with the direction of the Lord.

About My Husband

Tyler is my very best friend! We met in 9th grade science class. We sat across from each other the entire year and we flirted but never dated. I didn't see Tyler again for 8 years and ran into him while out with some friends in Oct of 2002. We've been together ever since. Tyler is a rancher. He was raised on a ranch that he has lived on his whole life. When he isn't working cattle and taking care of the many things that always need to done on a ranch, he enjoys playing with our 2 boy's, watching movies with me, hunting and calf roping.

I always thought we had a strong marriage but over the course of losing 3 sons and struggling through infertility, I have seen our marriage grow in ways I never dreamed possible. I know without a doubt we were meant to be together and I am so very thankful to be walking this journey with Tyler. He has been strength for our family, a wonderful spiritual leader, a loving and thoughtful husband and the best father our boys could ever ask for.

The Reason for the Title

For God so loved the world that He gave His only Son, that whoever believes in Him shall not parish but have eternal life! John 3:16

We believe that our time here on earth is temporary. God promises us that when we believe in Him and accept the gift of His salvation we will have a home in heaven.

I believe that while here on earth it is our time of learning about our Savior and how to live our life for Him. Learning to trust Him and allow Him to guide me, to shape me into the woman He has planned for me to be. He knew my every day long before I was even created. I believe the trials I have gone through over my life all have a purpose and that by allowing Him to use these trials I will become the woman He see's me to be.

Over the past 3 years my husband and I have suffered from secondary infertility, the loss of twin sons, a diagnosis of pcos and the loss of another son. While I thought I had gone through trials before the ones played out over the past 3 years have been the hardest and most testing.

Our journey through these trials have tested our faith on many levels. My wonderful husband has sustained his faith well through all levels. I however have had mine broken down, shattered and slowly built back up. I have been taken down to the darkest, deepest pit and then lifted back up again. My prayer is that God will use me and my trials to support and encourge other women who find themselves on this journey of infertility and loss. To the "world" infertility and loss are still taboo subjects. Not many understand the hurt that comes along with it. I pray God will use me as an example to others as they learn how to get through this difficult trial as well as helping those that walk with them learn how to help their loved ones.

I hope you enjoy my posts, pictures and learning about our family as you follow us on our journey here!