Thursday, July 28, 2011

Another diagnosis

I went to the dr on Monday. The ultrasound showed I have Anendomyosis. SOOOOO I moved into study mode!

Anendomyosis is the cousin to endometriosis. It is caused by menstral flow leaking into the muscle of the uterus where it does not belong. The blood dries and stays in there. When my period starts it creates a lot of pain.

Anendomyosis should not effect our ability to try to concieve. It cannot be cured except by taking birth control pills (never an option for us) or by having a hestorectomy (absolutely not). I was informed that it is mild right now and shouldn't be anything to worry about. I have meds for the pain when I do have a period.

SO with no worries I was told to count my last cycle as a cycle and I am very happy to only have one more cycle to wait through!!!

Praise God it wasn't something worse!

Thursday, July 21, 2011

Dear Lord

I woke up this morning with an incredible ache in my heart and in my arms from missing my babies. I only got to hold them one time. I never got to hold their snuggling warm infant bodies, their wiggly toddler bodies, their quick turn around and come back for one more mama hug and kiss before taking off on a bike hug. So i'm asking You today Lord, when You hug them, please squeeze them extra for me. Kiss their cheeks and please leave an impression of my mother's love on their hearts!

Written for Hayden, Garrett and Quirt. How I miss you so much every day.

A setback

Well this road can't always be easy. After being told to wait through 2 cycles and then I get my wonderful fertility drug I started cycle one on June 27th. AND it wouldn't end and came with A LOT of pain. I'm usually not one to take pain meds. I deal with what comes and wait it out. UM not this time. I was in tears as I called the dr office wondering what was going on with me. Not great news. the excess bleeding coupled with pain could mean something was left in there after my d&c I had to remove the placenta after delivering Quirt. Most people don't know that before 22 weeks gestation the uterus doesn't trigger the brain to produce the hormone that tells the placenta to detach. To make matters worse for me I have very low progestrone and was on supplement pills and injections during my pregnancy thus making my placenta even harder to get out. I had to have a d&c just a few minutes after delivery. This procedure left me sore and hurting for days. If there is something left in there it could cause me to get an infection. Definately not what I wanted to hear. If there is something wrong then our schedule for trying gets pushed back. (haven't we waited long enough) :( On a happier note there could be nothing wrong with me and it's just a reaction my body is having to healing and starting cycles again. Some days this journey is just too hard. It's the hardest days I know I must strive even harder to see God. To focus on His everlasting promises............

Philipians 4:13 I can do everything through Him who gives me strength!

He will bring me through this! I have an appt Monday for an ultrasound and then will be told where to go from there. I'm praying that all is well within me and Tyler and I can look forward to starting fertility treatments once again soon. While thats a scary place to be too I will trust my Lord and do what He sees fit for us.

Surviving the two week wait!

I'm copying this poem from a friend. It's funny and yet speaks the truth of what those who are trying to get pregnant go through.

Oh I must survive the "2 week wait"
to see what will be, what is our fate
It should not be bad, i'll keep busy lots
at least it's better then all those darn shots

Day 1 i'll go for a nice calming walk
and with my dh try not to talk
about kids and plans and names and such
and try not to get our hopes up too much

day 2 ahh for today, i'll do some nice light cleaning
and try not to think and keep myself from seeing
everyone around me with their cute babies
and try to stop the incessant 'maybe's'

day 3 with the in laws i'll dine
who won't know whats up, think everything is fine
"no thank you, i'll pass, I won't have the wine"
stop looking at me mother in law! No it's not a sign

day 4 i'll look in my closet again
maybe a quick clean then onto the den
you know a crib would look great over there
wait! stop thinking about that, it's just isn't fair

day 5 good grief will this day ever end
where is my phone, can I call a friend
and was that a twinge or just anticipation
or am i one of those women who can feel implantation

day 6 i'm fine, i'm not going mad
but I keep looking at my husband trying to see a dad
I have to keep busy, keep my mind occupied
on trivial things, not whats happening inside

day 7 oh joy, oh bliss, we are half way there
no, i'm not absessing, I haven't a care
the first week flew by, I could hardly tell
and if you believe that i have a bridge I can sell

day 8 wait, are my breasts sore tonight
or, did I just wear my new bra too tight
am I feeling sick, nausea in the morning
or was that expiration date actually a good warning

day 9 day 9 everything is fine
it's not that i'm edgy I SAID I WAS FINE
sorry, I did not mean to snap, but my temper is quick
is tomorrow too early to pee on a stick

day 10 for one day i'd just like to forget
not go crazy with days my mind to reset
a good friend told me "remember not to dwell"
oh give me a break, this two weeks ummm "aint swell"

day 11 well what to do, maybe i'll clean again
oops my closet is empty and I blew up the den
ok i'll watch tv to take my mind off the maybe's
why does every station only play she's having a baby

day 12 good grief I don't know how i'll cope
I want to be optimistic, to have some hope
but i'm afraid of disappointment, of again this not being the time
if someone could make days fly by i'd give my last dime

day 13 is supposed to be lucky, they say
personally I wish it would just go away
I am done with watching days crawl by
I hate all this waiting, too long have we tried

day 14 wait, what? It's finally here?
today we find out if a baby is near?
ummm wait, now I don't know if I really want the real truth
I kinda like day-dreaming, but betas that proof

so now it's off to the bathroom I go
so far so good, I don't see Aunt Flow
I open the package, pee and it will tell our fate
oh dear, now how do I survive this two minute wait!

Wednesday, July 20, 2011

Thing's i'm unprepared for

Wow I can't believe a whole month has gone by!! During the past month I have run into a lot of things that I was unprepared for. It makes me wonder if I shouldn't write all these things down so in the future I can be fully prepared on how i'm going to handle them.

First was my follow up appt which brought good news. (no need to prepare for that) I was told to wait through 2 cycles and then we could start trying again. Given my history my dr will start us on fertility treatments right away!! VERY GOOD NEWS!! Now the waiting through 2 cycles......thats the tough part. As those struggling through infertility know each month seems to take forever and at times it's all you can do to get through each day. Thankfully my Tyler understands this and helps me keep as busy as possible.

Last week we had fair week. Bailee shows pigs every year and we have to spend the entire week at the fairgrounds. It's too far to drive home every day. I was unprepared for all the people I would run into that didn't know about our recent loss. Most knew I was pregnant and so I had to explain over and over why I wasn't anymore. It's hard enough going through a loss without having to relive it over and over. I had thought the word would have spread more but I was wrong thus teaching me how to handle each encounter. One thing i've learned is it's ok to cry in front of people if I feel like it. I don't intend to make them uncomfortable but hey they asked right. I'm grateful to have survived fair week and even more to be home! ;)

Another thing i've come across that caught me totally off guard is strangers knowing my story. It doesn't bother me if I can be an encouragement and witness to my faith. BUT really do strangers need to say anything??? Where has common curtesy gone? I was calling parents of 4H kids yesterday to schedule them for a fundraising event. Not something I really wanted to do in the first place but there was no way out of it. One lady that picked up the phone actually blurted out at me "Oh your the one with all the losses! What a terrible thing that happened to you. How do you hold up every day?" Seriously my jaw dropped and I almost hung up the phone!! Sometimes it's better to just not say anything at all people! So after doing what I had to I then went and sat next to Tyler who was just as surprised as I was then mad that I had to encounter such a person. This phone call was early in the morning and caused me to 1) cry on and off for most of my morning and 2) put me in a state of panic when calling the rest of the kids.

Starting a new day today I realize I need to be more prepared for my own sake when coming across these situations. I must have responses waiting in the back of my mind. Just one more thing infertility puts in our path to conquer. With the strength of the Lord I can conquer at least this part of infertility.

Even youths grow tired and weary and young men stumble and fall; but those that hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint. Isaiah 40:30-31