When Tyler and I were at the hospital waiting for our son to be born we talked about how we were going to get through another loss. We agreed to always look for the positive. Some days this is the hardest thing to do. Every night before I fall asleep I thank God for my husband, Bailee and Trace. I thank Him for a beautiful home away from city life. I thank Him for all the little blessings surrounding me daily. I do the same thing every morning. It helps to thank Him in all things even when it's hard to find even the smallest of things.
I do have days though where I just want to scream and hit something. This is the human part of me coming out. I've realized that my goal is to not let those days grab a hold and take lead. I've learned to cry when I need to, laugh when I feel like it and if I do feel like hitting something, well thats what the punching bag in the garage is for.
Grief is a learning process no matter how many times you've gone through it. Each time is different and learning to survive it becomes a daily accomplishment.
I was watching Grey's Anatomy the other night and this guy who lost his wife in a car accident said it best "before the accident, I had all these plans, but then all my plans disappeared and now i'm just trying to get through each day" This is exactly how I feel. From the time I get up until I go to bed i'm just trying to get through that day. I try to be a good wife and mom. I try to keep up with all the things that need done. I try to keep enjoying my hobbies. I do all the little things that people expect me to do. Have I learned to get through my grief? I guess i'd have to say I have learned to live with it. Grief never fully goes away. I know that I will morn the loss of my children every day until I am with them again. BUT I have also learned that it's ok for me to smile and laugh and enjoy my time here too!