Thursday, October 27, 2011


When people question me about my kids being with me during the day and not in school I love telling them I homeschool. I like to see their response. I know whats coming usually! They ask "but what do they do for social skills"

Why is socialization so important in this society? And why does it seem most people think kids will only learn proper social skills by being in public school. Yes I feel it's important for children to learn how to interact with others but what better place then at home. My kids are taught manners, phone ettiquete as well as many other social setting mannerisms. My kids learn by watching the adults around them and for me thats enough.

As a parent I know my job is to help shape my children into the people the Lord would have them be. I've been given the job of teaching them right verses wrong, how to communicate, how to love, to care for others and most importantly about the Lord. I believe this job is the most important job for any person. Weather an Aunt, an Uncle or a grandparent as adults with children around us we have been given this role. It is up to us to set good examples for the children around us.

Also since my kids home school I can control what type of influences they get. It's important to us to teach our boys about choosing the right kinds of friends. Friends who share the same morals and beliefs.

It's rewarding for me as mom to get to be the one who teaches my children everyday. I'm thankful they are with me every day and I get to control how they socialize. I'm most thankful the Lord as given me the role of home schooling mom. There's no place i'd rather be!

Friday, October 21, 2011

What I learned about Power Cords!

I was sitting here this morning staring at a blank post box wondering why won't the words just come to me. So many things have gone on in my life that I should have something to write about. Nothing came so I left the blank box and went on with my day hoping something would pop into my head later.

If you know God, you also know He will bring what is needed at just the right time. :)

I opened my email and there was my Daily Double Portion, a daily email of encouragement while dealing with the struggles of infertility. I admit i'm not great at reading them every time they come. I don't take the time to stop and give a few minutes to hear some encouragement even if I need it.

Todays encouragement focused on a puppy the writer had brought home. This cute new addition to her home filled her with joy and gave her someone to love and care for. This puppy eventually developed a love for chewing and mostly loved to chew power cords. Power cords that were plugged in were her favorite choice. The writer goes on to talk about the cord connecting to her computer being chewed through and eventually her getting messages popping up on her screen telling her "your power is low, please reconnect your power cord in order to stay connected" The moral of the story ended up being that we should reconnect our power to the One who supplies us with that power. We all know when our power is running low and we should stop and reconnect.

Wow this hit home! For days now I have felt sad, frustrated, impatient and have no motivation. As I look back I see where God was trying to tell me through friends statuses on facebook, my daily scripture I receive on my phone and various other places that I needed to stop and reconnect. I had gotten so good over the summer at taking time every afternoon to just be in His word, to pray and to just feel His presence, but I have lacked greatly since. With the boys starting school, keeping house, trying to cook healthy meals and all the other things that come up and I have sadly unplugged my power cord. He does not like this and misses me. He shows it by allowing me to get frustrated and sad until I can't take it anymore and then reminds me gently that I can feel better by just coming back to Him and reconnecting my power cord!

Thursday, October 20, 2011

Here We Go Again!

We are about to head down the "two week increment" road again! Most (well those on the infertility road) know that when trying to get pregnant we live our lives in 2 week increments.

Week one our very unwelcome friend Aunt Flow shows up for an unwanted visit. We let her know how unwelcome she is by letting our anger show, crying our hearts out, eating whatever sweet or carb filled snack we desire, until finally we accept her rude interruption on our life and start looking forward to the next cycle. This process usually takes 3 -4 days depending on what our methods of trying for the next cycle are. During week one if there will be fertility meds used they are started this week. (for most)

Week 2 with fertility meds done (much to the delight of our loving supportive husbands) we head in to the "trying part" If taking meds the monthly follicle check is scheduled and we wait in prayer and anticipation to see what will pop up on the ultrasound machine! (come on ovaries) Yes we pray for our ovaries. If all goes according to plan then a wonderful trigger shot is given in the hip and we are sent home with careful instructions for our iui the next day!

Thus begins week 3! If getting an iui then we find ourselves back at the doctors office with a book in hand and wait. Waiting and IF go hand in hand. IFer's are waiting pros! After the 30 min wait we head to the iui room stare at the ceiling and try to actually hear what the doctor is saying. Did he just ask me ?????? Then comes the fun fun part where they lift the table until your head is almost on the floor and you are asked to not move, just read a book and they'll come get you in a little while. After they come get you, you are allowed to go home with instructions to not do such and such and please do such and such. The rest of week three usually goes by without too much stress but the 2 week waiting part just started!

Week 4 is a bundle of emotions hand delivered to our hearts. We go from what if to what if not. We analyze every twinge, every cramp. We wonder is it too early to test. The the day comes when we know its ok to test but hey maybe we should wait another day or two or maybe just not test at all and see if Aunt Flow shows up. If they are like me and have to get blood work done as soon as possible and start progestrone supplements then the fear of "I have to know, I have no choice. if there is a baby then I have to protect it" sets in. Some will test and get the dfreadful big fat negative but spend the rest of waiting for af to show thinking "well it's not over until af gets here" Some will retest every day, praying they just tested too soon and some will be right. Some thankfully will see their awaited 2 lines and cry with joy and relief and run to show their husbands.

If the big fat negative was the one to stick then the cycle starts again.

I must mention that not all fertility treatments go this way. Every couple faces different paths and options each month. This post is based off my past experiences. Mostly me trying to lighten my mood as we head once again into the unknown of TTC. We've had 5 months now of waiting, being on hold, more medical issues and now we are finally here again. I know I am ready to begin this journey again (not that I have really left) and see where God will take us this time. I pray for a blessing, one that will come home in our arms and not our hearts. BUT I know all too well that a pregnancy does not equal baby so I will try to begin this journey with a mind on Him and not what if. I will try my hardest to focus on His plan, His love and to accept what comes each day.

I am human and will fail at times, I may cry but I will laugh also! Most important I will try to learn from whatever He brings.

Saturday, October 15, 2011

October 15th

Today is national pregnancy and infant loss remembrance day! Today we will be remembering all the precious angels gone before us.

Hayden * Garrett* Quirt*

Always Remembered Forever Loved

Saturday, October 8, 2011

My precious Angels!

I decided to share my angels sweet faces! I added them to my blog this morning in honor of pregnancy and infant loss awareness. Also because I want to share them. They were here and are loved so very much!

Say Their Names :: For Pregnancy & Infant Loss Awareness Day

Say Their Names :: For Pregnancy & Infant Loss Awareness Day

In honor of our babies gone to soon. Click the link above to join!

Sunday, October 2, 2011

A moment of healing

I have a 19 month old nephew. He was born just a couple months after my twins should have been born. After losing Quirt and other circumstances I have a very hard time being around him. Of course he lives on the same ranch I do so he is around a lot. Over the summer I have stayed in my house more then usual as to avoid him. Seeing him has always been a reminder of my twins and what I am missing and after losing Quirt it was too much for my heart to take in.

A few days ago he was at my mother in law's house. I had no idea he was there. I walked in to speak with Tyler. The minute I heard him I stiffened up and got very uncomfortable.

Then something happened that I still don't totally understand other then God decided He had enough of my stubbornness. Before I knew what was happening I went over to my nephew, held out my arms and asked him if he wanted to go outside and see the pig's. The next thing I knew I was standing outside sobbing. I had no idea why this happened and now what was I suppose to do?

This poor little boy was sitting on my hip watching this woman he barely knew sobbing so hard she couldn't hardly breathe. I had no idea what to do. Then he reached his hand up to my face and patted me on the cheek and then pointed to the pigs all while repeating "pig" over and over.

Ok then. One step at a time. I walked over to the pig's and held him up on the fence and while he laughed and had fun watching them I stood there crying and wondering what I had gotten into or rather what had God gotten me into.

Tyler came out to see if I was ok and asked if he needed to take our nephew for me. Thats when it hit me. This little boy isn't at fault for my loss. It's not his fault I am a grieving mother. He deserves my attention too. WHEN I am able to give it. So for that afternoon I sucked in my tears and sorrow (as much as possible anyway) and I showed him the pigs, I showed him the horses and calves. I took him for a walk and together we played in a distillers pile throwing it on each other and laughing. For a few hours I gave him what I could. I made him smile and I made him laugh. It hurt and it was hard. I even told Tyler at one point while I was chasing after him that if our twins were there i'd be running this way and he'd be running the other! For a few hours I put aside my sorrow and I gave this little boy all I could of me and my reward.....when I dropped him back off at grandma's I got a bunch of kisses and a hug. He smiled big at me as I walked away. It really did my heart good. I also learned my God is a pushy fella!

When I got home I cried. I cried my heart out, but my tears weren't just for my sorrow, my loss and my hurting heart they were also tears of healing. God knew I needed to start somewhere and knowing how stubborn I am He took over. My afternoon with my nephew will always be a wonderful memory on my road of healing.


October is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness month.

On top of remembering our angels and supporting others who are going through losses, October is the month all 3 of our son's were due.

Our Hayden and Garrett would be turning 2 on the 6th. It's hard not to imagine what that would be like. What kind of party I would be planning. OHHHH my house would be in chaos but I would love every single minute of it!!

Our Quirt was due the last week of October. I went from planning my rainbow baby to planning his funeral. I am now trying to survive the month he was due to be in my arms. I am now facing the reality of being around a marker baby. I know they say God only gives you what you can handle but my heart is pretty full right now and i'm barely hanging by a thread.

I like being an advocate for pregnancy and infant loss awareness. The world needs to be more supportive to the parents of loss. They need to learn what to say, what not to say and most importantly that it's OK to grieve the loss of a child no matter how long they were with us!