Thursday, August 25, 2011

Making Steps

Last Night Tyler's family was all over at our end of the ranch, roping and working with horses. I choose these moments to do something for me. I was in working on a project and enjoying some quiet time. Until I made the mistake of looking out the window. I see my husband running calves up into the chutes and smile, until he turns around and I notice his 17 month old nephew is in his arms. I felt like someone stabbed me in the heart. That's silly and yes selfish of me. Tyler should enjoy his nephew all he wants right. I kept thinking "why does this have to bother me?" It pains me to see him enjoying something I can''t seem to give him. I want so badly to place another baby in his arms that my heart breaks to see him with someone else's baby. I know this is selfish but it's also part of grieving not just for our babies gone too soon but also for the innocence we've lost on this path. 4 years ago seeing Tyler with a baby wouldn't have bothered me a bit.

When Tyler got home I told him about my feelings. His was hard on him too! He says he doesn't want to ruin a relationship with his nephew so he stuffs his feelings aside and tries to focus on the fun part. Then it hits me.....does one person out there even think about that? Does anyone even realize that Tyler took this huge step that was hurting him but he did it anyway? I'm guessing probably not which means that when I make those small efforts they too go unnoticed.

I recently walked into my in laws home and saw our nephew waking up from a nap and I had this incredible desire to pick him up, so I did. I held him for about 1 min and the whole time I felt ok. This was such a huge step for me but then my brother in law took him. He probably needed changed and my timing was probably wrong but still I made that step and I survived and it probably went unnoticed. Did my brother in law even realize what he had just witnessed?

If no one understands these things then how will it ever get easier to take those steps.

If someone who has lost a child picks up a baby or plays with a toddler they are taking a huge step in the grieving process. It breaks their heart to even touch another baby but they are doing it. They are stuffing their hurting hearts aside to try and move towards a new path. This is one more thing that loss has brought to my heart.

I've learned that in this world no matter what it is, if a person has not personally been through it then they just don't get it. I find this sad. Tyler and I had a long talk about it and what we learned is that we ourselves can try and change. We can become more sensitive to others. We can take what we have learned through loss and trials and pay the kindness forward. I pray that God keeps the eyes of my heart open to others struggles so I do think of all the little things and become more sensitive and kind to all!

Saturday, August 13, 2011

My Life In Pills

I had to laugh when I reread my last post. After my birth control pill remark I said "never an option for us" I should be more careful what I say! ;)

After my last post things went downhill again! I started bleeding again and was told my hormones were out of wack and the only way to regulate them would be to start birth control pills. My response "No, there has to be another option" I've waited long enough to be ttc again and so has Tyler. Unfortunately my other option was to wait it out and hope my hormones would start behaving on their own which could take months. I told the nurse that i would need to speak with Tyler about it and get back to them.

Of course Tyler is the logical always think rational one. (it can get annoying but he's usually right) (don't tell him I said that) He thought if I could be on the birth control pills for 2 or 3 cycles and get things regulated quicker that way then we should go for it. My jaw dropped. I had spent the entire morning sobbing, angry and ready for a way different reaction from this man. I mean come on babe it's BIRTH CONTROL!!! The exact opposite of what we've been working on for 3 1/2 years!

OK so maybe I was being a bit dramatic but it felt like a huge step backwards. I couldn't wrap my head around it. Finally after chatting with a friend who said I should look at it as a fertility treatment and not prevention I calmed down. I realized it was a step backwards but it was only temporary. My wonderful Dr called us back saying just that too! It would be better in the long run to just take the unwanted pills so that we could get back to the "real" treatments quicker.

It's been a week on the pills and so far I feel good which is a huge blessing since in the past birth control of any kind made me sick. I felt blessed that my Dr picked a kind of pill that said in big bold letters on the insert USED TO REGULATE MENSTRUAL CYCLES first before the also can be used to prevent pregnancy. So for 56 days I have to take a very much unwanted pill but I am getting through it. With one week behind me I know I can make this time go faster and use it for a time to grow in God's word and also get some much needed projects done. With Tyler's love, support and encouragement and the strength of the Lord I will soon be looking back at this time as just another step on this path.

I named this post my life in pills so your probably thinking well one pill a day isn't a lot. I'm not done yet! I also take 3 metformin pills a day. My life revolves around these pills. There are rules I must follow in order to stay sane and feeling good while taking these. Metformin controls my insulin levels which in turn controls my blood sugar levels (I think I said that right) So my daily pill rules go as such:
1) always take met with each meal
2) never skip a pill
3) always take pill on time or dizziness and crashing ac cures
4) eat a small snack every 2-3 hours or fainting and nausea ac cures

So my life really does revolve around metformin!

Every night I also take a prescription prenatal. I'm glad I chose to take this pill at night. This not so little pill helps keep my body healthy and ready to sustain a pregnancy. So after a long day of taking pills to control insulin and regulate hormones this pill is a reminder of why I take the other pills. I may get annoyed and angry with the birth control pill and I may get tired of met taking over my life but when I get to my neevo I am reminded that I am working towards my dream of having another baby, of growing my family, of fulfilling Tyler's much wanted dream of a pack of boys chasing after him. Neevo keeps my thoughts in perspective and gives me hope that one day I will be taking it not just for me but to provide extra nutrition for a growing person in my womb and that makes it all worthwhile!