Sunday, October 2, 2011

A moment of healing

I have a 19 month old nephew. He was born just a couple months after my twins should have been born. After losing Quirt and other circumstances I have a very hard time being around him. Of course he lives on the same ranch I do so he is around a lot. Over the summer I have stayed in my house more then usual as to avoid him. Seeing him has always been a reminder of my twins and what I am missing and after losing Quirt it was too much for my heart to take in.

A few days ago he was at my mother in law's house. I had no idea he was there. I walked in to speak with Tyler. The minute I heard him I stiffened up and got very uncomfortable.

Then something happened that I still don't totally understand other then God decided He had enough of my stubbornness. Before I knew what was happening I went over to my nephew, held out my arms and asked him if he wanted to go outside and see the pig's. The next thing I knew I was standing outside sobbing. I had no idea why this happened and now what was I suppose to do?

This poor little boy was sitting on my hip watching this woman he barely knew sobbing so hard she couldn't hardly breathe. I had no idea what to do. Then he reached his hand up to my face and patted me on the cheek and then pointed to the pigs all while repeating "pig" over and over.

Ok then. One step at a time. I walked over to the pig's and held him up on the fence and while he laughed and had fun watching them I stood there crying and wondering what I had gotten into or rather what had God gotten me into.

Tyler came out to see if I was ok and asked if he needed to take our nephew for me. Thats when it hit me. This little boy isn't at fault for my loss. It's not his fault I am a grieving mother. He deserves my attention too. WHEN I am able to give it. So for that afternoon I sucked in my tears and sorrow (as much as possible anyway) and I showed him the pigs, I showed him the horses and calves. I took him for a walk and together we played in a distillers pile throwing it on each other and laughing. For a few hours I gave him what I could. I made him smile and I made him laugh. It hurt and it was hard. I even told Tyler at one point while I was chasing after him that if our twins were there i'd be running this way and he'd be running the other! For a few hours I put aside my sorrow and I gave this little boy all I could of me and my reward.....when I dropped him back off at grandma's I got a bunch of kisses and a hug. He smiled big at me as I walked away. It really did my heart good. I also learned my God is a pushy fella!

When I got home I cried. I cried my heart out, but my tears weren't just for my sorrow, my loss and my hurting heart they were also tears of healing. God knew I needed to start somewhere and knowing how stubborn I am He took over. My afternoon with my nephew will always be a wonderful memory on my road of healing.

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