October 15th

Today is national pregnancy and infant loss remembrance day! Today we will be remembering all the precious angels gone before us.

Hayden * Garrett* Quirt*

Always Remembered Forever Loved

My precious Angels!

I decided to share my angels sweet faces! I added them to my blog this morning in honor of pregnancy and infant loss awareness. Also because I want to share them. They were here and are loved so very much!

Say Their Names :: For Pregnancy & Infant Loss Awareness Day

Say Their Names :: For Pregnancy & Infant Loss Awareness Day

In honor of our babies gone to soon. Click the link above to join!

A moment of healing

I have a 19 month old nephew. He was born just a couple months after my twins should have been born. After losing Quirt and other circumstances I have a very hard time being around him. Of course he lives on the same ranch I do so he is around a lot. Over the summer I have stayed in my house more then usual as to avoid him. Seeing him has always been a reminder of my twins and what I am missing and after losing Quirt it was too much for my heart to take in.

A few days ago he was at my mother in law's house. I had no idea he was there. I walked in to speak with Tyler. The minute I heard him I stiffened up and got very uncomfortable.

Then something happened that I still don't totally understand other then God decided He had enough of my stubbornness. Before I knew what was happening I went over to my nephew, held out my arms and asked him if he wanted to go outside and see the pig's. The next thing I knew I was standing outside sobbing. I had no idea why this happened and now what was I suppose to do?

This poor little boy was sitting on my hip watching this woman he barely knew sobbing so hard she couldn't hardly breathe. I had no idea what to do. Then he reached his hand up to my face and patted me on the cheek and then pointed to the pigs all while repeating "pig" over and over.

Ok then. One step at a time. I walked over to the pig's and held him up on the fence and while he laughed and had fun watching them I stood there crying and wondering what I had gotten into or rather what had God gotten me into.

Tyler came out to see if I was ok and asked if he needed to take our nephew for me. Thats when it hit me. This little boy isn't at fault for my loss. It's not his fault I am a grieving mother. He deserves my attention too. WHEN I am able to give it. So for that afternoon I sucked in my tears and sorrow (as much as possible anyway) and I showed him the pigs, I showed him the horses and calves. I took him for a walk and together we played in a distillers pile throwing it on each other and laughing. For a few hours I gave him what I could. I made him smile and I made him laugh. It hurt and it was hard. I even told Tyler at one point while I was chasing after him that if our twins were there i'd be running this way and he'd be running the other! For a few hours I put aside my sorrow and I gave this little boy all I could of me and my reward.....when I dropped him back off at grandma's I got a bunch of kisses and a hug. He smiled big at me as I walked away. It really did my heart good. I also learned my God is a pushy fella!

When I got home I cried. I cried my heart out, but my tears weren't just for my sorrow, my loss and my hurting heart they were also tears of healing. God knew I needed to start somewhere and knowing how stubborn I am He took over. My afternoon with my nephew will always be a wonderful memory on my road of healing.

October

October is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness month.

On top of remembering our angels and supporting others who are going through losses, October is the month all 3 of our son's were due.

Our Hayden and Garrett would be turning 2 on the 6th. It's hard not to imagine what that would be like. What kind of party I would be planning. OHHHH my house would be in chaos but I would love every single minute of it!!

Our Quirt was due the last week of October. I went from planning my rainbow baby to planning his funeral. I am now trying to survive the month he was due to be in my arms. I am now facing the reality of being around a marker baby. I know they say God only gives you what you can handle but my heart is pretty full right now and i'm barely hanging by a thread.

I like being an advocate for pregnancy and infant loss awareness. The world needs to be more supportive to the parents of loss. They need to learn what to say, what not to say and most importantly that it's OK to grieve the loss of a child no matter how long they were with us!

A great blog to check out!

My friend Beth has an awesome blog filled with all kinds of cool things from cooking to crafting! For her two year anniversary she is having a give away! If you would like to enter just follow this link to her blog and read all about it. While your there stay awhile, get comfortable and prepare to get sucked into all the cool things she blogs about. I promise you will LOVE following her spunky, spirited attitude!

Join me on HELD today!