1 Thessalonians 2:4

There are times when going through a trial the people around you will be supportive, understanding and even tell you things like "do what you need to do for you" "don't worry about what anyone says" Then sadly when that person reaches a new level in their life they seem to forget that supportive attitude and get upset over your lack of enthusiasim for them.

As I grieve the loss of 3 son's and struggle through month after month of infertility I am saddened that one by one the people in my life have slowly dropped out of the group of supportive, understanding loved ones. As each of our siblings and friends have gotten pregnant and moved on to the new level of growing their families, mine and Tyler's sorrow has been put aside. All of a sudden they don't understand anymore why we can't bounce for joy and call to chat about pregnancy. I don't blame others for moving on, celebrating their new additions and rejoicing over newfound joy. What hurts me is the expectations that are put on us to be right there with them.

The fact is for those going through infertility pregnancy announcements just sting. They hurt. Period. We can not control our sorrow anymore then they can control their joy. We need time to absorb the news, time to collect ourselves before we give a heartfelt congrats. For some we may never get beyond anything then that "congrats." Most people going through infertility will tell you that in their hearts they are happy for others who so easily get pregnant but it deepens the sadness for us that can't.

It hurts to sit on the sidelines watching everyone around us living out our dreams while we sit with empty hearts and arms. It hurts to put on a fake smile and go to gatherings and pretend we're ok. It hurts to watch everyone passing around a newborn while feeling your heart burst at missing the angels that left us too soon. It hurts to sit in a crowd all talking about so and so's pregnancy and not be able to join in.

The past few days I have been leaning on 1 Thessalonians 2:4 Our job is not in pleasing people but in pleasing God. He alone knows our hearts.

I must remind myself over and over that I can not please everyone. If i've learned anything during these past 4 years it's that there will always be someone who doesn't approve of how I handle things. If I try to please everyone I only add to my heartache. My purpose is to please God who knows my heart. He alone understands my grief and my joy. As long as I am doing what He wishes me to then i'm doing great. I don't mean that it's ok to be rude to others in our grief. Of course we need to be polite and not harden our hearts but we are allowed to take our time through it.

Throw the Poop!

Last night Tyler and I were watching Zookeeper. A comedy staring Kevin James in which he tries very hard to "get" the girl of his dreams. I won't say much more in case you haven't seen it. There's a part during the movie when the animals (who talk) are giving "Griffin" advice on how to get the girl to notice and want him. There's lions, bears, a giraffe and a monkey all giving him animal like ideas. The funniest part being the little monkey who pops up and says "throw the poop at her" to which Tyler and I start laughing hysterically!

The other day while elk hunting, Tyler and I were walking across the top of a mountain looking for signs of elk and hoping we'd run into some. Tyler leans over to look at some elk poop and then pretending he is part Indian, he picks up a piece and gives it a squeeze. The next thing I know he throws it at me!! At first I act horrified that my husband could throw poop at me but then we're both laughing cuz come on that's just funny and I shouldn't have expected anything else from this husband of mine.

After hearing the little monkey's advice on throwing poop at a girl because you like her I now know Tyler was just letting me know he likes me!!

It's moments like these that keep our love strong. Life is far too serious, far too "grown up" and I realize we should be living for the silly, nonsense moments. When we share moments like this we are truly enjoying the gift of each other the way God wants us too.

Homeschooling!

When people question me about my kids being with me during the day and not in school I love telling them I homeschool. I like to see their response. I know whats coming usually! They ask "but what do they do for social skills"

Why is socialization so important in this society? And why does it seem most people think kids will only learn proper social skills by being in public school. Yes I feel it's important for children to learn how to interact with others but what better place then at home. My kids are taught manners, phone ettiquete as well as many other social setting mannerisms. My kids learn by watching the adults around them and for me thats enough.

As a parent I know my job is to help shape my children into the people the Lord would have them be. I've been given the job of teaching them right verses wrong, how to communicate, how to love, to care for others and most importantly about the Lord. I believe this job is the most important job for any person. Weather an Aunt, an Uncle or a grandparent as adults with children around us we have been given this role. It is up to us to set good examples for the children around us.

Also since my kids home school I can control what type of influences they get. It's important to us to teach our boys about choosing the right kinds of friends. Friends who share the same morals and beliefs.

It's rewarding for me as mom to get to be the one who teaches my children everyday. I'm thankful they are with me every day and I get to control how they socialize. I'm most thankful the Lord as given me the role of home schooling mom. There's no place i'd rather be!

What I learned about Power Cords!

I was sitting here this morning staring at a blank post box wondering why won't the words just come to me. So many things have gone on in my life that I should have something to write about. Nothing came so I left the blank box and went on with my day hoping something would pop into my head later.

If you know God, you also know He will bring what is needed at just the right time. :)

I opened my email and there was my Daily Double Portion, a daily email of encouragement while dealing with the struggles of infertility. I admit i'm not great at reading them every time they come. I don't take the time to stop and give a few minutes to hear some encouragement even if I need it.

Todays encouragement focused on a puppy the writer had brought home. This cute new addition to her home filled her with joy and gave her someone to love and care for. This puppy eventually developed a love for chewing and mostly loved to chew power cords. Power cords that were plugged in were her favorite choice. The writer goes on to talk about the cord connecting to her computer being chewed through and eventually her getting messages popping up on her screen telling her "your power is low, please reconnect your power cord in order to stay connected" The moral of the story ended up being that we should reconnect our power to the One who supplies us with that power. We all know when our power is running low and we should stop and reconnect.

Wow this hit home! For days now I have felt sad, frustrated, impatient and have no motivation. As I look back I see where God was trying to tell me through friends statuses on facebook, my daily scripture I receive on my phone and various other places that I needed to stop and reconnect. I had gotten so good over the summer at taking time every afternoon to just be in His word, to pray and to just feel His presence, but I have lacked greatly since. With the boys starting school, keeping house, trying to cook healthy meals and all the other things that come up and I have sadly unplugged my power cord. He does not like this and misses me. He shows it by allowing me to get frustrated and sad until I can't take it anymore and then reminds me gently that I can feel better by just coming back to Him and reconnecting my power cord!

Here We Go Again!

We are about to head down the "two week increment" road again! Most (well those on the infertility road) know that when trying to get pregnant we live our lives in 2 week increments.

Week one our very unwelcome friend Aunt Flow shows up for an unwanted visit. We let her know how unwelcome she is by letting our anger show, crying our hearts out, eating whatever sweet or carb filled snack we desire, until finally we accept her rude interruption on our life and start looking forward to the next cycle. This process usually takes 3 -4 days depending on what our methods of trying for the next cycle are. During week one if there will be fertility meds used they are started this week. (for most)

Week 2 with fertility meds done (much to the delight of our loving supportive husbands) we head in to the "trying part" If taking meds the monthly follicle check is scheduled and we wait in prayer and anticipation to see what will pop up on the ultrasound machine! (come on ovaries) Yes we pray for our ovaries. If all goes according to plan then a wonderful trigger shot is given in the hip and we are sent home with careful instructions for our iui the next day!

Thus begins week 3! If getting an iui then we find ourselves back at the doctors office with a book in hand and wait. Waiting and IF go hand in hand. IFer's are waiting pros! After the 30 min wait we head to the iui room stare at the ceiling and try to actually hear what the doctor is saying. Did he just ask me ?????? Then comes the fun fun part where they lift the table until your head is almost on the floor and you are asked to not move, just read a book and they'll come get you in a little while. After they come get you, you are allowed to go home with instructions to not do such and such and please do such and such. The rest of week three usually goes by without too much stress but the 2 week waiting part just started!

Week 4 is a bundle of emotions hand delivered to our hearts. We go from what if to what if not. We analyze every twinge, every cramp. We wonder is it too early to test. The the day comes when we know its ok to test but hey maybe we should wait another day or two or maybe just not test at all and see if Aunt Flow shows up. If they are like me and have to get blood work done as soon as possible and start progestrone supplements then the fear of "I have to know, I have no choice. if there is a baby then I have to protect it" sets in. Some will test and get the dfreadful big fat negative but spend the rest of waiting for af to show thinking "well it's not over until af gets here" Some will retest every day, praying they just tested too soon and some will be right. Some thankfully will see their awaited 2 lines and cry with joy and relief and run to show their husbands.

If the big fat negative was the one to stick then the cycle starts again.

I must mention that not all fertility treatments go this way. Every couple faces different paths and options each month. This post is based off my past experiences. Mostly me trying to lighten my mood as we head once again into the unknown of TTC. We've had 5 months now of waiting, being on hold, more medical issues and now we are finally here again. I know I am ready to begin this journey again (not that I have really left) and see where God will take us this time. I pray for a blessing, one that will come home in our arms and not our hearts. BUT I know all too well that a pregnancy does not equal baby so I will try to begin this journey with a mind on Him and not what if. I will try my hardest to focus on His plan, His love and to accept what comes each day.

I am human and will fail at times, I may cry but I will laugh also! Most important I will try to learn from whatever He brings.

October 15th

Today is national pregnancy and infant loss remembrance day! Today we will be remembering all the precious angels gone before us.

Hayden * Garrett* Quirt*

Always Remembered Forever Loved

My precious Angels!

I decided to share my angels sweet faces! I added them to my blog this morning in honor of pregnancy and infant loss awareness. Also because I want to share them. They were here and are loved so very much!